A Midnight Letter...

It’s midnight right now, and the stars twinkle bright outside the window... I really don’t know, why I am writing this right now... If I will even send it to you, or whether it will join the countless numbers of letters thrown away unseen... But something’s killing me from within tonight, a dead weight pressing against my heart, making it hard for me to breathe tonight... How many nights do I have to cry myself to sleep? The powerlessness, utter helplessness when nothing, absolutely nothing seems to go your way.....The bleak, looming spectre of the future looms large.... I see others my age already sorted out in their minds, clear about what they wanna do with their lives, where they see themselves in 5 years time, and me? I barely know what I’d do tomorrow except go through yet another utterly boring routine day...... The weights of expectations, crushing on to the gaping emptiness in my heart.... As everything around me changes so fast, I barely hang on, a dizzying sense of disorienting emptiness echoing with the sound of silence within my heart.... It is in moments like these that I need you the most..... Need you to hold me tight, providing safe harbor from the storms of life, whispering softly to me that it will all be well, making me believe in myself when I find it too difficult to go on..... I dunno if you’ll ever see the storms within my heart threatening to pour through the veiled curtain of my eyes....... And thus, the night goes on.... The last midnight cigarette burning to a stub in my hands, the tendrils of smoke mingling with my sighs as they rise up towards the heavens......





And then a blast of cold air drifts in through the windows, and I rise up to close them, and finally go to sleep, waiting for the new day to dawn, for come what may, akhir, Jo Wadaa Kiya Woh Nibhanaa to Parega....................

Waiting for the revival........

Letters I've written, never meaning to send,
Words said in jest, not meaning to offend.
Walls built in anger, myself to isolate,
Tears unspilled build up, my heart they suffocate.
The lightnings rent apart, the black velvet of the sky,
And my silent screams they echo, till  my throat bleeds dry
.My mistakes they haunt me, clawing at my innards,
And old memories scattered, like the mirror's broken shards.....
But downtrodden I won't be, miles I have to travel,
Cut and bleeding my feet be, mysteries to unravel.
And I'll push myself, to the edge of endurance,
Even if I don't find, a voice of sweet assurance.
But then oft the devil 'guises, as an angel's tears,
And our smiles they mask, our detestation and fears.
So I take up my own guard, the lonewolf wary,
Lashing out and snapping, to hide that I'm weary.
And I howl out my frustrations, at the bright, round moon,
And hear it whisper promises, of good things to come soon
.I listen without believing, for the jokes of fate are cruel,
And this bitter experience, the fire in me it fuels...
For lonely I stand, against the world if needs,
But stand strong I will, my self-esteem it feeds.
And I'll keep on walking, the consummate survivor,
Waiting for a turn in tides, waiting for the revival..........

Stay......... An ode to love!

Come ye wind, lift up my spirits again,

 For tonight, I'm gonna rejoice.

Come rain, burn away the pain,

off my feverish skin, I've made my choice.....

For too long have I been hiding,

Behind the mask, wearing a smile,

But now that you've come riding,

I'm gonna be me awhile......

Again, though forgotten I have how it felt to be me,

Buried it too deep, to stop the hurt,

But sing to me thunder, let me once again see,

The parts of myself, rise afresh off the dirt......

And I'll be me again, even though I might bleed,

Now that you're here, won't awhile you stay?

Stay, I ask you, not to give me what I need,

But stay, coz with you, I can finally see a way......

Of becoming whole again, broken as i am,

All sharpness and raw edges, cut your finger on me,

And rain redness on me, break open the dam,

Of my madness, let me howl and dance with glee.......

And you're all that I can see,

All the flame and burning desire,

Left smouldering in me,

Fuelling my soul's fire.......

So, rejoice with me tonight,

Let this night not be one for sorrow,

Coz for this love, I'm ready to fight,

Come whatever will on the 'morrow......

And for you I'll fall, a thousand times over,

Never to give up, come what may,

So, walk with me, and be my lover,

Coz in you, I've finally found a reason to stay.................

Emptiness-The flight of the beloved......

And room feels so empty tonight,
 A weight presses down on my heart.  
The eyes are once again caught by the light,
It stings, it burns, its glare does hurt....

Go, if you must, set off on your way,  
Spread your wings, your dreams go feed,  
I'll sit here in the shadows, they have so much more to say,
As the memories rip me apart, and into silence I bleed.....    

But call you back, I won't, you're a free soul,
Go find your calling, etch your name amongst the stars,  
For everything in life does have its role,
Maybe yours was to find me the strength to fight the wars,  

Against my own demons, and with you by my side,  
I learnt to see the dawn, after the darkest night.  
Made me believe, that no matter how rough the ride,  
At the end of the tunnel, there'll always be light.......  

But now that you are gone, the darkness presses in,  
And my silent screams they echo, off the empty walls,  
Reverberating, into a crescendo rises the maddening din,
within my head, yet not a single tear falls......

For you were my passion, all my heart I gave,
And now that you're gone, a void,
A hollow weight in my chest, that is all I have,
I am now spent, with my all I tried.....    

So go, as you must, and do not glance back,
To see, the silent pleas of my eyes,  
For go you must, and it won't hold you back,  
So leave not a sad smile, nor resort to petty lies.....

About coming back, we both know the truth,
No false promises, the point of no return.
And the memories they won't soothe,
From inside I'll burn.........

Maybe someday the storms will flash,  
And the mighty west wind arrive,  
To lift me off the ash....
Till then, let the pyre of passion thrive.........                 

Of grave diggings, afterglows, and dances of madness........

Dance, my angel, dance.... For you are a force of nature.... Dance, find yourself, and revel in your glory.... Dance through the stars and walk down the milky way..... Dance, and let my eyes drink in thy beauty like you are the ocean, and I a traveller lost in the desert....... Even though it will course red-hot through my veins, burning me up from within..... But, it's okay, I'm caught up in the heat of my passion anyway......So dance, create new worlds at your fancy, and tear old ones down at your whim....... Create, re-create the whole fiber of my being to suit your fantasy..... Let me bathe in the glow of your being, drinking in every single detail about you.... Getting close, closer, so close to my sun that every single drop of sweat clinging to your eyelashes are visible in a burst of HD colours..... Moving in close with reckless abandon....... Come, mould me up with the warmth of your heart, your smile's afterglow melting the deepest thaws, the most resilient steel of my heart....... And then, you move away, your whim forgotten..... Your fancy caught by some other trinket, you dance on towards your next plaything....... And I freeze, crystallizing in the sudden absence of your guiding inferno into all rawness and sharp edges...... Bleeding myself dry everytime I clench my fist to drive out the pain...... Drive out the voices inside my head....... And my silent screams echo on..... Mingling with the ringing notes of your being.... Mingling, perfectly in tune with the harmonic chaos of the memories to rip my world to shreds, tearing off the last vestiges of my sanity with absolute abandon...... Revelling in the redness flowing as I bleed myself dry on the memories frozen crystal-perfect in time....... I forget on some nights, that I'm supposed to have buried you..... Buried us....... And then we're grave robbing for the rest of the night.... Revelling with reckless abandon in the dance of the dead as I bleed out...... And my whole world finally goes black........ 

Inspiration: Infinite loop of "Saudade-Amethystium"............

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Rebirth- A new journey!!

Embarking upon a new way,
Leaving my past behind.
It is a bleak & windy day,
Whence this path before me unwinds.

Sepulchral doom beckons me,
And darkness paves the way.
To be or not to be,
Is the question, as they say.

Towering clouds upon me frown,
And the rains do fall.
Impossible to see further down,
And be sure of destiny’s call.

Unsure of what does await,
Gingerly this path I tread.
For the future is an unsure bet,
And I am hoping I do catch a thread.

That will lead me through this maze,
For even the lightning lighting up the sky,
Does so only to daze,
And leaves the road even darker by.

Unsure of the path ahead,
I look around for signs.
But in this night dark as dead,
There are no clear marked lines.

Uncertainty begins to grow,
Like thorn vines on the hedge.
And the seeds of doubt they sow,
My resolve hangs from the ledge.

A fear cold & vile,
Crawls up on my skin.
The voices of doubt do pile,
Enhancing the maddening din.

As my faith does fade,
Doubt raises its wall.
And my legs feel made of lead,
Suddenly weak, I fall.

On the thorns, and they do sting,
As voices ring in my head.
Yeah, and they too sing,
The chant of the living dead.

And a numbness creeps into my heart,
Unable to move, I lie.
In the mud and dirt,
A thousand chains I am held by.

Hopelessness lurks around,
Like a pack of hungry wolves.
Ready to pound me to the ground,
With their dirty hooves.

But then the booming voice,
Riding on the mighty gale.
Roars at me to keep my poise,
Urging me not to fail.

For this is my quest for glory,
I do need to keep strong.
Can't afford to get weary,
Allow them to lead me wrong.

And as I turn back the pages of my life,
I realise that it's nothing new.
Given that it was all a bloody strife,
I must rise as I always do.

Somewhere a rose blooms,
Its smell tingles my nose.
Driving away the glooms,
A new hope in me arose.

And the music of the rain,
Pulls me out of my trance.
Dispelling all the pain,
Leading me into a dance.

The desire again burns,
Deep within my heart.
And the tide of time turns,
Awaiting a rebirth.

Of faith- a talismanic fire,
On this journey new.
Burning away all thoughts dire,
And ensure that I stay true.

Regret.....

I stumble on down the bleak path, trying to keep regret at bay as the dark, sodden skies pour down on me. towering clouds frown down on me and lightning seems to rent the skies apart as my fever rises and the rain seems to burn into my skin like scalding knives. And then in that desolate road, I see a rose bud, at the exact moment in which it opens its arms wide to welcome the world with all its splendor. The raindrops landing lightly on the petals, then clinging on to it as it slowly slithers down its contour to drop off gently to the earth. The incredible beauty mesmerizes me and makes my heart miss a beat. A burning desire, an attempt to subsume my grief in the heavenly beauty fills my heart. The sweet fragrance of the rose mingles with the fresh aroma of the wet earth to create a unique smell that tingles my nose and numbs my senses, sending my feverish mind into a trance and driven by it, my feet turns towards the object of my desire. Disjointed images flash through my mind and a thousand emotions knock at once at the door of conscious thought, putting my mind into a turmoil. I seem to fall through an endless tunnel as the gale grows stronger around me and I am engulfed by a quagmire of memories. Like shards of glass off a broken mirror, faces and old mistakes sting me, making my heart  bleed. The dam of my resistance breaks and tears start to flow down my cheeks. The grief consumes me, sapping my already weakened body of strength. As my feet drags on, my knees suddenly buckle under my weight and I fall down. As I fall, I still reach out for my salvation, but I only manage to tear my flesh open on the thorns as the whole world goes black before my eyes.....